Bike Muscles Beard

From/for Bella

(well, this went some weird places… sorry?)


The thing I’ve always appreciated about bike couriers was the shape of their legs—especially their—no, not thighs, why did you think that?—their calves. Really, the overall effect of legs that bike constantly is pleasing—lean, long, taut muscles—but it is the calf that provides that phenomenal bulge that…

Seriously? Your mind went there? I’m appalled.

Calves. Calves are beautiful and so under-appreciated. The Victorians knew how sexy and dangerous they were, but we’ve lost that sensibility sometime around the invention of the mini skirt and the bikini–and, of course, the Speedo and the Bermuda short.

Anyway. This particular bike courier had absolutely marvellous legs. And calves. I’m going to say bulge again and if you smirk again, I’m going to throw something at you—fine, look away if you can’t keep a straight face—the bulge of those fucking calves made me drool and made signing for the package a little awkward. Repositioning myself so that I could keep on looking at his legs from the back and in semi profile was so fucking obvious, I kept on waiting for him to call me a dirty old woman, or to demand what the fuck I wanted—or to ask me for my phone number, or give me his, or suggest that maybe we go to the backroom for a while, or…

“Are you okay, ma’am?” he asked.

I flushed.

“Fine,” I mumbled. Signed. Looked up.

And noticed for the first time that he had a beard. Not a little beard. Not a cute goatee or a ‘haven’t shaved for a few days (or hours) and I look like George Michael’ beard, but a giant lumberjack beard that didn’t quite go down to his waist but it might as well have.

He stroked it proudly.

I sighed.

What a waste of a pair of beautiful calves, I thought without regret as he turned around, hiding the beard and flaunting the calves, and walked out of the reception area. I would have stripped those calves naked and rubbed them all over every single last inch of me if I could have.

All I wanted to do with the beard… was shave it.


You have a different opinion? A different aesthetic? A different preference?

I don’t have his phone number, but I know what company he works for. Shall we track him down?




Wednesday, February 1, 2017
7:00pm  8:30pm
Owl’s Nest Book Store
815A 49th Avenue SW Calgary

Romance and erotica as an antidote to cyber-porn. An evening of discussion.

Do you read romance novels apologetically, under the covers—secretly on your e-reader, so no one catches you at your guilty pleasure? Stop. And join M. Jane Colette, author of the steamy erotic romance Tell Me and the non-fiction essay collection on language and writing CUNT versus PUSSY, Alyssa Linn Palmer, author of noir romance and gay and lesbian fiction such as award-winning Midnight at the Orpheus, and members of the Calgary chapter of the Romance Writers of America in a spirited discussion of why reading (and writing ) romance and erotica is important in an age of plentiful porn. We promise, you’ll never look at ‘bodice rippers’ the same way again—and you might be inspired to start writing one of your own.

Midnight At the Orpheus is Alyssa Linn Palmer's award-winning book featuring featuring Chicago gangsters and molls engaged in the sexiest and most complicated passion triangle, with a hot and sensitive MM love affair among the background subplots.

Midnight At the Orpheus is Alyssa Linn Palmer’s award-winning book featuring featuring Chicago gangsters and molls engaged in the sexiest and most complicated passion triangle, with a hot and sensitive MM love affair among the background subplots.

RSVPs are appreciated but not required. or (403) 287-9557 to reserve your spot… or show up at the last minute.



For Nicole: Cardamom Knob Wool

For Jenn: Piano River Feather

For Lara: Peasant Cicada Pomegranate

For Paola: Stoked Sunrise Ferocity

For Nina: Crimson Brilliant Moon

For Cathy: Elated Chocolate Tears

For Lisa: Collar Forgiveness Wind 

For Leslie: Train Clouds Mountain

For Grazyna: Anticipation Disappointment Hope

For Tet: Pills Chips Lotion

For Fionna: Crimson Ocean Dance

For Nina: Jaw Hair Voice

For Bella: Bike Muscles Beard




Connect with me here:

 Rough Draft Confessions 

Twitter / GoodReads / FaceBook 

About mjanecolette

Writer. Reader. Angster. Reformed Bohemian (not). Author of the erotic romance TELL ME, the erotic tragedy (with a happy ending) CONSEQUENCES (of defensive adultery), the award-winning rom-com (she's versatile) CHERRY PIE CURE, and TEXT ME, CUPID--a (slightly dirty) love story for 21st century adults who don't believe in love... but want it anyway. A sought-after speaker and presenter, Colette is also the author of the Dirty Writing Secrets Series, which includes the non-fiction collection of essays ROUGH DRAFT CONFESSIONS: not a guide to writing and selling erotica and romance but full of inside inside anyway, 101 FLIRTY WRITING PROMPTS TO SEDUCE YOUR MUSE, and ORGANIZED CREATIVE. She's also the curator of the fab YYC Queer Writers anthologies Queer Christmas in Cowtown, Screw Chocolate, and A Queer Summer Night's in Cowtown. Releasing Spring 2020: CUPID IN MONTE CARLO.


  1. All I wanted to do with the beard… was shave it! Lol! That made me laugh. Poor bearded fellows out there!!

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