posted by susan-oh-susan / may 31 at 11:07 pm / uncategorized / 4 comments
I got my ass out the door and tried to get ’er done yesterday.
Anyway. I will tell you.
I went to the apartment. I buzzed the intercom.
No one was home.
I drove around for an hour.
Went back. Buzzed the intercom.
Drove around for an hour… repeated four times.
“Yes?” Not his voice.
“This is Susan. Is Reza there?”
A pause. Talking.
“I’m sorry, lady, he doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Please don’t hang up! Please… just listen. Please, listen to me, and tell him… Please tell him I love him. And I have never loved anyone, ever the way I love him. And I don’t want or need anything from him. I don’t even need him to love me back, I just want to say—the man he saw in the house. The man he saw kissing me. That was my husband. My ex-husband. He moved out at Christmas. I haven’t seen him since Christmas. He came into the house while we were upstairs. Reza, being with you is so… It was so… And I went downstairs to make us food, and he was there. And he said things, and he made assumptions. And as I was thinking, I have been with this man for twenty years and I have had two children with him, and I love them so much. But I don’t love him. I will never love him or want him or be able to be with him. Even if he begs me to forgive him, I cannot be with him, I cannot even entertain that possibility, because I love… I love you, Reza. And I didn’t plan to, and I didn’t want to. I wanted to—you are beautiful. And you were so kind to me. And you were so sexy. And I wanted you…I wanted you from the first moment I saw you. And every moment has been incredible. I have cherished it. I have cherished you. And I can’t bear the thought that it ends like this—that I hurt you, worse, that you think I betrayed you… I would never, ever, Reza, I would never betray you. I could never… I understand if you can’t… I understand if you think I’m too complicated. Because of… the divorce and my children, and none of this is over yet. I mean the divorce. Oh-god. I’m not making sense. But I can’t bear that you would think I’m untrustworthy. Or not worth it. Or if you were really just having fun, and you don’t want me to love you, and everything I’m saying…
“Reza, I just don’t want your last memory of me…
“I know it’s just been two months, and you don’t know me very well. But I feel… there are so many things I don’t know about you, but I feel I know you. And I want to… I just want to…
“I just want to keep on getting to know you. That’s all. But if you can’t… if you’re so angry and hurt you can’t forgive… I understand that, because I… I understand, because you are… because you wouldn’t tolerate that from a woman you love—not that I’m saying you love me—oh-god… Reza, I just…
“I’m just really grateful I knew you. It was so… and I’d like to keep on getting to know you better. It’s…
“Well. I guess that’s all I have.
“I love you.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I hurt you by letting my husband kiss me while I was yours. I’m so sorry.
“I shouldn’t have, I didn’t want—I would never… I’m so sorry.
“I love you.”
That’s pretty much what I said.
And then I slumped down on the floor in the apartment foyer.
I heard crackling. Footsteps. Farsi.
Then the sound of a click.
Not the door opening.
The phone hanging up.
And I died.
I pretty much died.
I stayed there, a slump of a lump, until another tenant came into the foyer and gave me a dirty look.
“Are you drunk, lady?” the tenant said. She—he—was wearing yellow Doc Martens.
Somehow that made everything worse.
I sobbed again and managed to get to my feet.
Out the door.
No texts on the phone.
Is there anything else I can do?
I know—I know he heard all that. I know it in my bones. He was there, listening. I know it.
Is there anything else I can do?
4 comments on The place where pride ends:
sugar&spice76: Oh, honey. Hugs.
BeautifulThingsEveryday: I’m coming over. You’re supposed to text me when shit like this happens, Susan! I’ll be there in ten minutes.
goddessofvictory: I’m calling… is Tyler home, Susan? Do you need me and Cody to come back?
ilikeherbooty-full: Susan. Baby. It’s not over yet. Trust me.
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