posted by susan-oh-susan / march 8 at 8:12 pm / uncategorized / 29 comments / TOC of Susan’s published posts
So I swear to God I was going to give you a total play-by-play of what happened but then John’s mother called.
First of all, I need to say that John’s mother is a wonderful woman, and both she and John’s father have always been very good to me, and they love me, and they think I’m amazing.
Second of all, I need to say, today, I hate her.
So, first, she said—“Oh, Susie, we just heard, how could you not tell us?”
And then, as I tried to form the words to say… I don’t know, what was I going to say? Honestly, it hadn’t occurred to me to tell them. How was it any of their business? How was my pain any of their business?
And then, she said… she said, “Are you on medication?”
I said, “What?”
“Are you on medication? Apparently that’s what the doctors do right away now, to jilted women.” She really said “jilted.” I suppose it sounds better than “dumped”—and yet, it didn’t, you know. It probably sounded worse.
I managed to say, “No.”
“No? You should go to your doctor right away and get a prescription. I’ll call Jolene and find out what they put her daughter on—it did wonders for her.”
I might have groaned.
“Now, Susie, you must take care of yourself.”
I made a sound that might have sounded like yes.
Or “Kill me now.”
“I didn’t notice when I saw you last summer—I thought you were looking quite nice, actually dear, you carry yourself quite well for your build—but have you gained more weight?”
“Have you gained weight, dear? These things don’t just happen without a reason, you know. Were you taking care of yourself? So many women start to let themselves go in their forties, and then they wonder…”
I hung up.
The phone rang again.
I unplugged it.
(Of course. What else would I do? For the record, I am so sick of crying, I can’t even tell you. Maybe I should go to a doctor and get meds. We’re so lucky they make them now, aren’t we? “Stop crying and stop feeling stupid” meds. Do they sell “Don’t feel old and useless” meds too? I need some of those.)
Then I went to the bathroom and looked at my puffy eyes and red nose and cried some more, because if I wasn’t fat, I might as well be, because I was puffy. And lumpy.
Dumped for someone named Jewel. Jewel! Who sent pictures of her not-that-great—but I guess she thinks they’re great if she’s photographing and texting them—breasts to my husband.
Who couldn’t even be bothered…
…and that pie… what was I thinking?
Tell me I’m not fat and lumpy and awful and tell me that John didn’t go and have an affair because I stopped taking care of myself and tell me I never, ever have to talk to my mother-in-law again, and please tell me…
I don’t know.
29 comments on My mother-in-law wants to medicate me, and maybe she’s right:
sugar&spice76: Honey, you are beautiful. Vibrant. Amazing. And your mother-in-law is a douche, just like her son.
susan-oh-susan: She’s not, you know. She’s really a lovely, good person. Why did she say such awful things to me?
FemmeFataleFun: It’s a mother-in-law thing. They’re all evil bitches. The people who tell you they have the best relationship ever with their mother-in-law are lying.
susan-oh-susan: But I totally did have the best relationship ever with my mother-in-law! She thought I was great! She never said a mean thing to me… Well, I mean, she was all about John, right? He was the apple-of-her-eye and couldn’t do anything wrong… but I was totally good enough for him. She never said I wasn’t.
mommyshidinginthebathroom3: Anybody else reading between the lines here?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: OMFG, Susan, I’m leaving work right now and driving over to the Safeway to find out what your stock boy looks like—you are killing me.
susan-oh-susan: Do! Not!
susan-oh-susan: Marcella? Please tell me you didn’t go to Safeway?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: I’m at Safeway. I just bought some discounted Valentine’s Day chocolate. Incidentally, it’s a really good deal—everything fifty per cent off, and seventy-five off the uber-kitschy stuff. OMFG. Ladies. The boy. Those lips. The eyes. The eyebrows—I never thought eyebrows could be sexy. I kind of wanted to lick these. And really, it’s sort of a unibrow. Should not be sexy, right? But fuck. It is. And his nose and chin. Also, she’s right about the neck. I want to crawl in there and spend eternity kissing just one spot there. Mmmmm.
FemmeFataleFun: Need a moment?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Having a moment.
FemmeFataleFun: Ready to recant?
FemmeFataleFun: “I’m not a fan, myself.”
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Fuck yeah. Hairy sexist Persian men for the win. OMFG.
sugar&spice76: Honey, if you’re going to stalk Susan’s love interest, do it properly. Thank you for telling us he has lips, eyes, and a nose. Also eyebrows and a neck. WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Fucking perfect. Susan, if you don’t seduce him, I’m dumping Raoul and putting all my energy into getting this boy into my pants. I think I’m going to go buy something else now just so he can check me out again.
ilikeherbooty-full: Take a picture.
susan-oh-susan: I am going to kill you. Marcella, specifically. All the rest of you too. Stop it.
BeautifulThingsEveryday: He just said, “So nice to see you again,” totally straight and un-ironic, and smiled at me, and I want to wash his feet.
ilikeherbooty-full: What the fuck? That’s your fetish?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: It’s a metaphor, moron. OMFG. Susan. Bake more pie and let’s deliver it together.
susan-oh-susan: You need to leave Safeway right now.
FemmeFataleFun: Susan? You need to get out the Rabbit and have some fun with it while thinking about this delish boy. Instead of agonizing over your MIL.
ilikeherbooty-full: Agreed. Although you can think of me too.
ilikeherbooty-full: You too sweetheart. Wanna find out if we perv in the same way? I bet your Raoul’s got nothing on me.
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