Melissa thinks I’m unrealistic and I tell her there’s no such thing as online dating #dearjane #correspondence #adviceforthelovelorn

I got a letter. Well, email. I wrote her back. She said I could share it, but only if I publish her response to my response when she figures out all the things that are wrong with my response. Deal.

Dear Jane,

I just finished Text Me, Cupid. I mostly loved it—except that I thought Florence didn’t deserve Will. He should be with me! And also, I thought that their first hook up was a little bit unrealistic. Do you know how online dating works? Mostly, it’s a lot of back and forth texting and then, just as you’re getting excited, the guy disappears. Or, just as you get excited, he turns into a  dick and starts sending you dick pictures and telling you where he’s going to stick it, and then you have to disappear. And then he bitches to all his friends that women are bitches and ghost. Anyway, my point is that I thought the way Florence and Will’s first texting exchange went was atypical, at least of my online dating experience. I just wanted to point that out. Also, can I have Will’s phone number?

It was a pretty good book, though.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for writing. 🙂 Will never gave me his number, but Florence’s is 587.555.0987. Text her. Maybe she’ll share. No, she won’t. She’s not that kind of character.

She is the kind of character, however, who addresses head-on her needs and desires. She wants a ONS and a hook-up—sex in December. She’s forthright about it in her profile. She’s forthright about it in her first exchange with Will—and all subsequent ones too. And so she gets what she wants, quickly. (And eventually, as you know, Will gets what he wants too. ;P )

I do realize that’s not the way most first (second, third) exchanges between people in the online dating site context work. But first, how awesome would it be if they did… and  how boring would it be if the beginning of Text Me, Cupid consisted of six weeks or even six days’ worth of “Hey…” “What’s up?” “What are you doing this weekend?” “Do you like sushi?”

And if Will’s first overture was “Where can I stick my dick when we meet?” you know you wouldn’t want his number, right?

The beauty of fiction: we get to create the heroes and heroines we want. And, we can skip all the boring parts!

So I realize you wrote to offer me a critique of the book and you didn’t actually ask me for dating advice, but I’m going to give it to you anyway, ok? Take it in the spirit of sexy sisterhood and my desire to improve your dating and sex life:

You used the term “online dating” several times. And people these days use it all the time. “I hate online dating. “I just tried online dating.” “I can’t figure out how online dating works.”

Let me explain.

You can’t figure out how online dating works or you hate online dating BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ONLINE DATING.

(Unless you’re a cyborg, but let’s not go there yet.)

Dating and relationships begin with that first coffee, walk, dinner, impromptu sex in an elevator. Everything that happens online—from putting up your profile through to the swipes, matches, and awkward first messages—it’s all about getting to that first in-person meet, where things really begin (or possibly begin and end within five minutes—which is totally ok too and part of the real dating process). So don’t think about any of the stuff that happens online as dating. It’s not. It’s just that brief moment in the bar where you exchange numbers. That’s it.

The dating doesn’t begin until you meet.

You’re welcome.

mjanecolette // TellMe@mjanecolette.com

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