TRY by M. Jane Colette

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Once, I begged a love to stay.

It was awful.

I had abandoned all pride, all dignity, all reason. I wasn’t a woman—I wasn’t a human. I was a mass of love, lust, and unspent desire.

And I begged.

I begged, abased.

It did not, of course, stay.

Once love decides to leave, once one lover is done, the end is unavoidable. The one who still loves can do nothing. Nothing.

Yet I think, perhaps—no, I know, I know: we must try.

I begged. Abased. Utterly subjugated. Completely broken.

I failed, of course, adding the burn of humiliation to the cold of rejection.

And yet, that moment—me, on my knees, stripped naked, exposed, no armour remaining, no secrets left, no part of me kept back, nothing in reserve, everything spent, everything thrust into the hands, thrown at the feet of a withdrawing love—I would not trade that moment for anything.

Let me be clear—I would rather die than repeat it, willingly.

And yet—in that moment—begging, abased, exposed, nothing held back—I have never felt more alive.

Afterwards, burned, rejected, I wanted to die. For a while, anyway. Out of shame. Out of pain.

And yet, and yet—underneath the shame, the pain—I was so fully alive.

I don’t know if I will ever dare that again.

I don’t know if I will ever dare to beg a love to stay.

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I’m older now—more seasoned, more experienced and so either wiser or more cynical. I know that when a love decides to leave, nothing can make it stay. And I’m not sure I would be capable of engaging in the dramatic futility of that final assault, throwing my all at love’s departing feet.

To what purpose?

To show to myself that I loved enough to fight, to beg.

To suffer.

You will leave anyway, when love has left, no matter what I do.

Today, right now, you are here. I am here.

So is love. And when it leaves—should it leave, as it might, for love often does—I hope you love enough to beg.

I hope I love enough to beg.

Once love decides to leave, once one lover stops loving, the one who still loves can do nothing.

Nothing.

But we must try.

Happy Valentine’s Day, love.

Want to hear Try? Of course you do:

Read by the one and only Elisa Kae.

M. Jane Colette writes tragedy for people who like to laugh, comedy for the melancholy, and erotica for men and women who like their fantasies real. She’s the author of the “is it literature or is it porn” erotic romances Tell Me (2015) and (the) Consequences (of defensive adultery) (coming Spring 2017) and the non-fiction collection of essays on taboo languages and the business of writing, CUNT versus PUSSY (2016). Connect with her at @mjanecolette or TellMe@mjanecolette.com.

text © M. Jane Colette 2017

photography ©  Jennifer Weihmann

used with permission; ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

ABOUT THE PROJECT:

SCREW CHOCOLATE: 14 Queer Valentines To Help You Survive February 14 is a collaborative project by YYC Queer Writers. We get together intermittently to… write. Also, laud our lovers. Commiserate about our exes. Read each other what we wrote. Explain what we want to write. Try to justify why we aren’t writing it. Go home and write it. Come back. Share it… repeat.

TABLE OF CONTENTS  VALENTINES

Valentine 1: Mountains & Moments by T

Valentine 2:Karma, in Pronouns by Marzena Czarnecka

Valentine 3: The Long Commute by L. Sara Bysterveld

Valentine 4: It Happens Like This by Dana Stan

Valentine 5: Try by M. Jane Colette

Valentine 6: Sunrise by Brooke Nicholas

COMING:

Valentine 7: Want by T

Valentine 8: Get The Fuck Up & Love by Dallas Barnes

Valentine 9: Elizabeth by Nola Sarina

Valentine 10: Instructions by PW Zelli

Valentine 11: Unmentionables by Alyssa Linn Palmer

Valentine 12: The Shy Girl’s Guide to Sexting by M. Jane Colette

Valentine 13: Delivery by Elisa Kae

Valentine 14: Alter Ego In A Red Tie by Lotis Cervantes

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About mjanecolette

Writer. Reader. Angster. Reformed Bohemian (not). Author of the erotic romance Tell Me, the erotic tragedy (with a happy ending) Consequences (of defensive adultery), and the rom-com (she's versatile) Cherry Pie Cure, as well as the non-fiction collection of essays Rough Draft Confessions: not a guide to writing and selling erotica and romance but full of inside inside anyway. Coming in 2018: Text Me, Cupid, a steamy romance in four episodes. Current WiPs: Queer Christmas in Cowtown, Jewel of the Not-So-Spectacular Boobs, All In the Cards, and Un-Valentine. Yes, working on four projects simultaneously is a spectacularly bad idea.

11 comments

  1. Pingback: SCREW CHOCOLATE | m jane colette

  2. Pingback: SUNRISE by Brooke Nicholas | m jane colette

  3. This one made my body shiver all over… thanks!!

  4. Pingback: ELIZABETH by Nola Sarina | m jane colette

  5. Pingback: INSTRUCTIONS by PW Zelli | m jane colette

  6. Pingback: UNMENTIONABLES by Alyssa Linn Palmer | m jane colette

  7. Pingback: THE SHY GIRL’s GUIDE TO SEXTING by M. Jane Colette | m jane colette

  8. Pingback: DELIVERY by Elisa Kae | m jane colette

  9. Pingback: ALTER EGO IN A RED TIE by Lotis Cervantes | m jane colette

  10. Pingback: MOUNTAINS & MOMENTS by T | m jane colette

  11. Pingback: How a story is born–from the Afterword to Cherry Pie Cure | m jane colette

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