Surprises suck #cherrypiecure

posted by susan-oh-susan / may 13 at 11:59 pm / uncategorized / 22 comments


I was going to call this post, “Fuck.”

And you know I don’t like to swear.


Nika, I feel like calling you and begging you to come down to save me.



I need to explain. But it’s so hard to type because my hands are shaking.

Deep breaths, Susan. Deep breaths.


Tyler away. Empty house.

Sensational sex. Everywhere.

Which makes me think it actually could have been much worse.


We were in the shower.

Mostly cleaning up. But also, other stuff.

And we dried each other. And other stuff.

And then Reza scooped me up—ok, this entire post is traumatic, but I need to tell you this part is so wonderful—I am short but not petite or small or light, and I don’t think John ever even tried to pick me up, and if he did he’d get a herniated back, but Reza just scoops me up and carries me around as if I weighed nothing, and it is so amazing—so he scooped me up, and I opened the bathroom door, and…

“Mom! Tyler! Where is everyone?”

A voice shouting, feet pounding up the stairs…

“Happy birthday, bro! Where the hell are you?”

My oldest son coming up the landing.

Me, naked. In Reza’s arms. OMFG.

Kill. Me. Now.

Which I think is the gargle that Cody made:


Reza took a step back into the bathroom. Closed the door. Handed me the one dry towel.

“Go,” he said. “I’ll find my clothes and let myself out.”

Which I know was the right thing to do. But I felt abandoned.

I went back out into the hallway, wrapped in the towel. Found Cody in his room.

“Cody,” I said.



“And you’re probably going to blog about all this shit. Jesus. Have both my parents gone completely insane? My father goes and shacks up with Calgary’s least successful mortgage broker and dyes his hair and pierces his ears and gets a tattoo…” this was all news to me, by the way… “and my mother… Oh-my-god, Mom! In our house!”

“Cody…” I said.

(By the way, I didn’t know Jewel was a mortgage broker… I had assumed she was something… exciting? Ok, my apologies to all mortgage brokers everywhere. But it sounds like the most boring job ever. As boring as John’s “I’m in procurement and I’m so proud of it” thing. And why was I thinking about it? Why am I writing about it? I guess because it’s easier than writing about Cody freaking out and hating me.)

“Is that the fucking stock boy you were blogging about? Oh-my-god, Mom.”

And it just went on like that.

“Oh-my-god, Mom.”

“OMFG, have both my parents gone completely insane?”

“Have you no pride, Mom?”

“How ridiculous are you, Mom?”

“I scrounge up the money for a plane ticket home to surprise Ty for his birthday and be with you for Mother’s Day, and this is my fucking surprise?”

“What were you thinking, Mom?”

“Jesus, how old is he, Mom?”

“Have you no pride, Mom?”

“Oh-my-god-what’s-wrong-with-you, Mom?”

And at the end, he was crying and I was crying, and I crawled to my bedroom almost on my knees.

Didn’t text Reza back.

Didn’t even text Tyler a happy birthday.

Lay in bed and cried and felt… ridiculous.

I am ridiculous.

And selfish.


A middle-aged frump who…


It was so nice while it lasted. I was so happy.

But I know what I have to do.

I’m going to sleep now, and I’m going to break up with Reza tomorrow.

Not that I’m actually dating him.

I guess.

And I’m not going to have a broken heart, because… how long has it been?

Just a few weeks.

The best few weeks of my life.

It doesn’t matter.

I’m ridiculous.

My children.

I’ll do it.


22 comments on Surprises suck:

sugar&spice76: No! I love him! He’s so sweet, Susan. Really?

BeautifulThingsEveryday: Your kids need to suck it up a little and let you lead your own life, babe. You know this.

susan-oh-susan: Easy for you to say. Yours has been in Japan for the past three years. And you know… you’ve always been bolder and wilder than me. But you’ve been a lot… freer… since she went overseas.

BeautifulThingsEveryday: I grant you that makes it easier to lead separate lives. But seriously, Susan, who are you living for?

susan-oh-susan: I am a mother. I live for my children.

BeautifulThingsEveryday: I totally get that when they’re, you know, three months old. Three years. Even thirteen. They’re eighteen—nineteen, happy birthday, Tyler!—and twenty-one, Susan.

susan-oh-susan: Not so old that… you saw how what John did crushed them. And Cody… Cody especially… and… I can’t. I can’t be a disappointment to them.

goddessofvictory: OMFG, I’m calling Cody right now to kick his selfish ass. Susan! Stop! Don’t do anything rash until you hear from me.

Caspian00XO: I need to say I feel a little traumatized. Like I’ve just walked in on my mom having sex with one of my friends.

BeautifulThingsEveryday: He didn’t walk in on them having sex!

Caspian00XO: They were naked! Has your son ever seen you naked, Susan? Probably not since he’s been a baby, right? And being carried by a burly Middle Eastern dude? Fuck. If I’m traumatized…

FemmeFataleFun: You’re not helping, Caz.

Caspian00XO: I’m just giving a different perspective.

goddessofvictory: Susan, I’m on the phone with Cody, and he’s going to apologize to you. I’m going to make him apologize to you. Those were terrible things to say. And… Susan, please don’t do anything stupid until I call you!

Caspian00XO: And you need to stop interfering, Nika.

goddessofvictory: What?

Caspian00XO: I’ve just read back to the beginning of the blog. You keep on doing this. I mean, you told Cody and Tyler before Susan even talked to their Dad. And… you interfere. I don’t know if it’s because you have no self-control or whatnot, or if you just think you know best. You don’t know best. You’re what, twenty-one? Susan’s life, Susan’s family. Susan knows best.

susan-oh-susan: Thank you, Caz. I know what I have to do.

Caspian00XO: But Susan? All I’m saying is—I understand why Cody acted like a spazzy jerk. I’m not saying you should break up with Reza. Do you hear me, shawty?

goddessofvictory: So you give me shit for interfering, and now what are you doing?

Caspian00XO: Giving my opinion, Nika. There’s a difference.

mommyshidinginthebathroom3: Shut up, everyone! Susan! Are you still up? What are you going to do?

Find out more: Cherry Pie Cure: Cast of Characters and More

(including fabulous paper)


PS A Table of Contents of the Cherry Pie Cure/Susan’s Writing Cure Blog posts can be found at the Cherry Pie Cure landing page.

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About mjanecolette

Writer. Reader. Angster. Reformed Bohemian (not). Author of the erotic romance TELL ME, the erotic tragedy (with a happy ending) CONSEQUENCES (of defensive adultery), the award-winning rom-com (she's versatile) CHERRY PIE CURE, and TEXT ME, CUPID--a (slightly dirty) love story for 21st century adults who don't believe in love... but want it anyway. A sought-after speaker and presenter, Colette is also the author of the Dirty Writing Secrets Series, which includes the non-fiction collection of essays ROUGH DRAFT CONFESSIONS: not a guide to writing and selling erotica and romance but full of inside inside anyway, 101 FLIRTY WRITING PROMPTS TO SEDUCE YOUR MUSE, and ORGANIZED CREATIVE. She's also the curator of the fab YYC Queer Writers anthologies Queer Christmas in Cowtown, Screw Chocolate, and A Queer Summer Night's in Cowtown. Releasing Spring 2020: CUPID IN MONTE CARLO.

One comment

  1. Pingback: Cherry Pie Cure–the real time Blog Edition | m jane colette

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