posted by susan-oh-susan / may 8 at 8:01 am / uncategorized / 6 comments
Another voice mail from my mother-in-law.
In this one, she did ask me if perhaps I was starting menopause early. If I was seeing a therapist. And if anyone was thinking of the poor children.
Also, she outright said that I was being selfish for not calling her.
Which almost made me pick up the phone and dial.
In-laws are this… you know, they were really very good to me. I was so devastated when my parents died. And John was so kind to me. And they were so kind to me—they just pulled me into their family. I needed that. So much.
And it didn’t matter… the little things didn’t matter. Because they made me feel loved and safe.
And I loved them just because I loved John and John loved me, and I loved John because…
Why did I love John?
This is such a hard thing, when the love is gone. You know? Looking back and going—“But I loved this man! I married him! I had two children with him! I built this life with him! I loved him! Why did I love him?”
But when you no longer love, there is no answer. I mean, the past doesn’t give an answer. It throws up these ghosts, and they’re all distorted. All the memories are distorted. I have a hard time bringing up good memories—and I know there were so many. But the ones that come up now are the ones when John was not kind. Not considerate. Absent. Dismissive.
And the truth is that way back in the past—when those things happened—when he told me to take up birdwatching because it would be good for the boys and it would be better for my brain than scrapbooking—at the time they happened, I didn’t think they were unkind or bad. I just thought, “Ok. I don’t mind. I’ll try birdwatching if you think I will like it.”
I really liked scrapbooking and all the new moms in the neighbourhood were getting into it, and I would have had… OMG—I would have had friends. I would have had this social circle, and we’d get together once a week and scrapbook and gossip—did he not want me to have friends? … see? This is what happens. I start one thought, and it’s not even a really bad one, and when I follow it, I end up in this place of…
I don’t believe it.
John didn’t want me to have friends.
Although I had Marcella.
All I had was Marcella…
And he hated her.
And now that I think about it, he did everything he could to… I could never have her over to the house when he was there, for example. And getting a night out to go to one of her things with her—Marcella always has things, right, yoga, salsa, or her band is playing, or… I’ve known her for more than ten years, and I’ve seen her play, on stage, twice.
Because whenever she had a performance or a class or we made plans… something would come up.
John had to work late.
He forgot to book a babysitter.
Ok, he’s not evil.
But, see? These thoughts.
I wonder if I should see a therapist.
Or call my lawyer.
Get this divorce… officially started.
6 comments on Trying to be kind, thinking John is evil:
BeautifulThingsEveryday: I love you, Susan.
mommyshidinginthebathroom3: I love scrapbooking too, Susan. And I do think your ex is a little evil.
susan-oh-susan: He’s not my ex yet. But I will start that.
susan-oh-susan: Marcella just texted me her therapist’s phone number. Really, Marcella?
Caspian00XO: Susan does not need therapy. She just needs more sex. This is why you’re feeling moody and out of sorts, Susan. Because you’re not getting enough dick right now and you’re having quiet roommate-considerate sex. You’ll feel better after this weekend.
susan-oh-susan: Thanks, Caz. I think I will.
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