Apparently, I need Botox, but also some better news #cherrypiecure

posted by susan-oh-susan / april 22 at 7:38 pm / uncategorized / 7 comments

John’s mother has left me another voice message.

Here is a transcript of what my mother-in-law has to say to me, four months after her son left me:

(Am I allowed to say he left me? Because I feel… that’s what I feel happened. I did not kick him out. Would I have? I still don’t know. I let the boys kick him out. But he didn’t try to stay. And he hasn’t tried to… so I feel like he wanted to leave. And so he left. That’s how I feel. Is that true?)

Anyway. My mother-in-law, verbatim:

“Susie”—she always calls me Susie, by the way, and I HATE IT, I’ve always hated it, and now I really hate it—“I’m sure you’re still angry with John for leaving you”—and so here I am utterly irrational and I want to scream, “He didn’t leave me! I kicked him out!” even though what I’m really feeling is, “Yes, your asshole son left me and I hate him!”—“but that’s really no reason for being rude and taking it out on me. The polite thing to do is to return my calls. I’m only calling because I care about you, Susie, and I’m worried about you. John said you went on a crazy shopping spree, and I thought I should call you and tell you not to get a face lift. I know you’re probably not feeling very good about yourself right now, and yes, you’re right, you’re not getting any younger, but unless you have the sort of money Hollywood stars have, you can’t afford the right kind of plastic surgeon, and they will probably botch it. But you might want to look into Botox injections. Jolene’s daughter started doing them when her husband left her, and I have to tell you, she looks fabulous. Well, Susie, call me back, even though I know you won’t. And make sure you’re taking care of yourself. John won’t take you back if you let yourself go more.”

God. How did I ever think this woman liked me?

And not a word about her grandchildren?

Ok. Whatever.

The silver lining to being a forty-three year-old divorcée with grown children is that I will probably never have to deal with my in-laws again.

Although maybe in a year or two I will miss them.

I probably never mentioned it here, why would I, but my parents died. When I was in college, actually. Just before I married John. Car accident.

I was dating John at the time. Just for a few weeks, I think. I was a mess.

He was very kind.

I need to remember… he used to be a kind man. He is a kind man. I need to be kind.

But I also need to be angry.

I think… I feel I can’t be both, but I should be able to, right?

Anyway.

I wasn’t going to write about this.

I was going to tell you that Tyler is definitely coming home for the summer—and that John has arranged a summer job for him at his company. Which is so very unlike John—I mean, I don’t mean that in an unkind way. I didn’t mean that he wouldn’t help his kids. He loves his boys, and he would absolutely help them. But he’s always been very principled about nepotism and things like that. The boys had to get things on their own merits, you know? So him arranging for Tyler to have this job is a special thing. And in this economy, a summer job at a big oil and gas company is a big deal.

“Daddy guilt for the win!” Tyler texted me when he sent me the news.

“Be respectful and grateful,” I wrote back.

He sent me back a rather rude emoticon.

But he will be home all summer.

Cody, probably not—he said he would come visit for a bit for sure, but he’s got work out East, and he’ll stay there. But he said Nika would probably come visit, with or without him. (You are always welcome, Nika!)

Ok, so—Tyler will be home all summer, and I’m very happy about that.

So happy.

Except.

Yeah.

You see the problem?

*

7 comments on Apparently, I need Botox, but also some better news:

goddessofvictory: I’m coming in July, Mama Susan. And no, I don’t see the problem?

Caspian00XO: She’s not gonna be able to shag her boy toy while her son’s in the house, duh.

goddessofvictory: I don’t think Tyler will mind, Mama Susan.

susan-oh-susan: That’s not the point. I would mind.

FemmeFataleFun: Jesus, your MIL’s a pill. Wow. I just sent mine flowers.

sugar&spice76: It could have been worse, honey. She didn’t ask you if you started early menopause, did she? That’s what mine did every time I was in what she called “a mood.” And this was since I was thirty-two. Mothers-in-law, I tell you. Can’t live with them… can totally live without them!

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