posted by susan-oh-susan / march 17 at 9:17 pm / uncategorized / 23 comments
I didn’t write yesterday because I had nothing to write about.
I’ve been thinking. About how I’m actually… not doing anything.
This is a problem, isn’t it?
Me, alone in this house.
Cooking meals for one.
Leaving the house only to go to Safeway.
Ok, it was just one class.
And Marcella dragged me.
But this is true.
I was sitting on the couch, not able to motivate myself to get off the couch and into the kitchen and make a… salad or a sandwich or anything for one, why bother?
And I started to see myself turn into this… mossy lump.
And it’s such an ugly word. Lump. You know?
I don’t want to be a lump.
And I’m this total lump.
From January first to more than halfway to February, I don’t think I left the house at all. Except to go to the corner store for cigarettes.
I don’t know what I ate. Christmas left-overs for a while. And then?
Anyway. And then I started to go Safeway.
And the corner store for cigarettes—but less often.
And once, to the mall. For batteries.
And the other day, the yoga class, with Marcella.
I don’t go anywhere.
That small life I was whining about?
It’s not in my head.
I’ve trapped myself in this house.
And I don’t like it.
For the first time… I never thought of it like this—the house feels like a trap. A prison.
Except the only one keeping me in it is… me? My habits?
My small life.
My small thoughts.
I don’t like it.
But I don’t know what to do.
23 comments on My small small life:
FemmeFataleFun: Girlfriend, I wasn’t gonna bring it up. But you need a job.
sugar&spice76: Honey, the sex toy peddler is right. I’d like to make it clear that I am not one of those women—I think if you want to stay home and bake cherry pie all day and make the house beautiful, then all the more power to you. Do it. I would have loved to stay home with my babies instead of working at my crappy-wage job. But it sounds like—you need a job. I’d say you need a hobby, but I don’t want to sound like your asshat husband. Job. Get out of the house everyday—come back to it as your sanctuary. You get me, honey?
susan-oh-susan: I haven’t had a job since college. Who would hire me?
mommyshidinginthebathroom3: What about volunteering? At an animal shelter, or hospital, or something?
susan-oh-susan: That’s an idea. Except for the animal shelter. I’m allergic to most furry things.
susan-oh-susan: Also, honestly, I’m not that good with sick people.
susan-oh-susan: See? Small life, because I am so boring! I have no interests! And if someone tells me to join a gym or keep on with the yoga class, I’ll throw something at you!
susan-oh-susan: Why is nobody saying anything?
goddessofvictory: We’re listening, Mama Susan. What do you want to do?
susan-oh-susan: I don’t know.
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Do you want to talk about the stock boy a little to cheer yourself up?
susan-oh-susan: What would I say?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Sweetie, just thinking about how pretty he is cheers me up. I fucking love that type. Brown-eyed, brown-skinned, black haired… Did I mention those lips?
susan-oh-susan: He’s not really brown-skinned though, is he? I mean, I call it brown skinned because I’m this pasty white… but it’s not really brown. It’s barely darker than mine, I think, when I saw his hand… Except it is this… I don’t know. It has a totally different quality of… translucence? Opaqueness? I don’t know.
susan-oh-susan: It’s just… Beautiful. That’s all. Brown-but-not. Is that racist?
sugar&spice76: I don’t think so? I’m sort of brown-but-not.
ilikeherbooty-full: I think now would be a good time to say that I am a rocking mocha colour. Like—ok, imagine a coffee that you’ve put a creamer into, stirred, tasted it—then said, fuck that’s strong, and added a second one to mellow it a bit? That’s me.
BeautifulThingsEveryday: Why are you still here?
ilikeherbooty-full: Cause I’m delectable. And I’m keeping this from becoming a boring hen party. Also, Susan wants me here. Don’t you, Susan?
BeautifulThingsEveryday: She does not.
susan-oh-susan: Leave him alone, Marcella.
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