HOLIDAY Filthy Friday (on Wednesday) Feature aka Jane has Christmas issues and solves them with orgasms episode 2019-6! Today’s excerpt is actually from a Valentine’s Day story. But I think the anthology would make a great Christmas gift.
Here’s what my story, Accidental Cupid, is about: Evie doesn’t expect much when her friend coerces her into a blind Valentine’s Day double date. But Cupid has other plans, and Evie’s about to fulfill every Valentine’s fantasy she’s ever repressed…
ACCIDENTAL CUPID
BY M. JANE COLETTE
from PASSIONATE HEARTS
—Hello?
…
—You’re so cute. Nobody else I know uses the phone for calling anymore. What’s up?
…
—A date on Valentine’s Day? A little heavy for a second meet, kitten. I am free, but Valentine’s Day? Really?
…
—You’re sweet, but I’m also good with leaving it as a one-night stand. Really. You don’t need to feel…
…
—How weird a request? Like, if it’s in the “can you paint your fingernails and toenails black cause it drives me wild” category—which you asked for the first time—sure. But we’re definitely not at the “will you wear nipple clamps and a plug throughout dinner for me” stage, know what I mean, kitten?
…
—LOL, if you don’t know what nipple clamps are, google it. Ok, what do you want? Tell me.
…
—Oh.
…
—It’s not too weird. It’s just a little weird.
…
—Well, because… Valentine’s, and it’s only our second date. Seems a little early for a ménage à trois given your speed and style last time.
…
—You don’t know what a ménage à trois is? Seriously?
…
—See, Google is a wonderful thing. Chill, kitten. You don’t have to panic and apologize. I’m not a prude. If that’s the Valentine’s present you want, you got it. It’ll make the night interesting.
…
—Oh.
…
—I see.
…
—That’s actually weirder.
…
—No, I totally get—you’re a good friend. A better friend than I am. Because I too have a dorky single friend who will be spending Valentine’s Day alone and feeling sorry for herself. And it didn’t occur to me—well, it didn’t occur to me to arrange something for her.
…
—Yes, that’s a yes. I’ve got someone for your friend.
…
—Ground rules. She’s super sweet. And way more uptight than me. He gets a date. He’s probably not going to get a kiss, let alone sex.
…
—Unless we drop her off home early and the three of us—you, me, and your buddy—continue the night. If he’s cute, I’m up for that.
…
—Hey, you brought up the threesome.
…
—Oh, right, I did. Anyway, tell him he gets a date and company, but nothing else.
…
—That’s a little pathetic, but you’re welcome. Is he cute?
…
—And how old?
…
—Hmmm. Just a tad young. But then, so are you.
…
—How sexy an accent? Sexier than yours?
…
—Honey, you totally have a Syrian boy raised in a Polish neighbourhood in Mississauga accent. Ask your coworkers. Ask your Mom.
…
—And you love it.
…
—I don’t mind it. Now, hold on. Ok, I’m texting her and she’s being a big dork.
…
…
…
—I’m working on it. Hold on.
…
—Ok. She’s in. I’ll pick her up—we’ll meet you guys at… where are we going?
…
—Nice. I love that place. Ok, at 7 pm. Oh. One more thing. I told her your friend can’t speak English. So brief him.
…
—Because she’s shy. She said she wouldn’t know what to say. I said, no problem, he actually won’t say anything, because he can’t.
…
—Well, maybe a little weird. Just remember to tell him.
…
—See you tomorrow.
***
Ok, so that wasn’t dirty at all, but the real sex scene is a bit of a spoiler–because in a true erotic romance, the sex moves the plot along and contributes to character development in a BIG way, but as it is Christmas, I’m just gonna give you a little taste of what’s to come between Evie (that’s the shy girl) and Adam (that’s the guy she’s set up).
Ready?
***
“If you ask me if I think she likes you, I’ll kick you harder than she’s been kicking you,” Adam told Marwan once the women left. In English.
“Does she like me?” Marwan asked. “Fuck. She doesn’t, does she?”
“No,” Adam shrugged. “But she’ll probably fuck you. She’s just looking for fun. You’re the sap who thinks he’s looking for fun, but is actually looking for true love, every single time.”
“Asshole,” Marwan said, and then looked at his phone as Evie materialized back at the table, alone.
Adam opened his mouth to speak; caught himself just in time.
Smiled.
She sat down, awkward.
“Um,” she said. “No—please don’t feed me anything else. Um, Marwan, can you please tell him…” But Marwan was getting up.
“I’ll be right back,” he said, dropping his phone on the table.
Evie looked at Adam. Awkwardly.
“I think she texted him to meet her in the washroom,” she said. “I’m sorry. I know you don’t understand. She said—she might do that. Because she was bored. And she didn’t want to make it a long night, or leave me alone. I mean, alone with you. Or me alone with me. She’s worried about me. And she really shouldn’t be, you know? I’m ok. My husband—my ex-husband—he’s not… it’s been… I mean, I’m fine. I didn’t even want to come on this date—I didn’t mind being alone. Really. I wish I could tell you—you probably think I’m this pathetic… but this wasn’t my idea. At all.”
Adam bit his lips. Did not smile or laugh. Looked… attentive.
“So I think—I know you can’t understand, but I can’t stop talking, just… like, just keep on smiling and pretending that I’m saying something really interesting… instead of being a total idiot. Anyway. I think that’s what she did. Because she said he—your cousin? Marwan? That he’d be all out of sorts if he—if they… you know. So she said, ‘Maybe I’ll just ask him to meet in the washroom. What do you think? I haven’t had washroom sex in forever.’”
Adam bit his lips harder.
“I’ve never had washroom sex.” Evie stared into her glass of water. “Never. Patrick—that’s my hus—my ex-husband—he was really—he liked things to be clean. You know? We never even had sex in the shower. Because—well, we didn’t. Germs. He didn’t think I cleaned it sufficiently well, ever. And I remember, you know, when he first left—that week, when I was trying to find the silver lining or whatever—I was making lists. Of all the things I could do now, that… Raquelle, she said, look, it’s freedom, it’s a second chance, look at me, look at all the fun I’m having, now you can have it too. And I thought—I can now have sex in a washroom of a Mexican taqueria. I remember thinking that.”
“Taqueria?” Adam said. It seemed, he decided, like the sort of word he might be allowed to know. Pizza. Washroom. Taqueria.
“I don’t know why,” Evie said, shrugging and dabbing at her eyes with her dessert-stained napkin. “I mean, why a taqueria? I don’t even like tacos. I’m probably allergic to corn. That’s just what I thought. But of course—I mean, look at me. Do I look like the sort of woman who’d have… who’d do that?”
Adam looked at her electric blue dress, and the flesh peeking out from it in all the right places and wanted to nod.
But she didn’t think she was. His hands reached for her hands and she didn’t evade them. He brought her fingertips to his lips.
She flushed.
“Raquelle now…” And suddenly she frowned and Adam watched as she fumbled in her purse for her phone. And he watched—with immense pleasure—as she blushed again, a deeper darker colour—but then lost the pleasure as she looked at him in panic.
“Did your friend—cousin—text you?”
Adam raised his eyebrows. Then looked at Marwan’s phone. Laying on the table. She followed his gaze.
“Oh. He couldn’t have. Oh-my-god.”
He waited.
She stared at her phone. Turned it slightly towards him.
“Can you read English at all?” she asked.
He took the phone from her.
“Hey, we gotta get out of here before the cops come. Oops. Manager pissed. Pls pay and take my stuff. Sorry. Tell Adam to take Marwan’s stuff. We’ll sort everything out tomorrow. K?”
He laughed.
“Do you understand?”
He smiled. Fuck. This not speaking thing was hard.
“I guess they got caught? Or something? How embarrassing. Do you suppose—I guess the waiter or whoever? They’ll know they were with us? What are we supposed to do?”
And now, Adam let himself burst out laughing. He raised a hand to call the waiter over.
Marwan was going to have an interesting night.
And Adam was going to make sure Evie had a night to remember too.
***
Spoiler alert: he makes all her things come true. Then things go horribly wrong.
And then, I give them (and you) a happy ending. Of course.
***
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