Erotic Astrology

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So here’s the thing. Say you’re writing a romance, or just a fucking hot sex scene, and you know he’s a Capricorn and she’s a Virgo, and you want to make the scene astrologically true…

What? It could totally happen. I bet there’s a genre market for that. Anyway. If you’re doing that and you need an amusing and informative cheat sheet on what she wants and what he does, and why they fight so much:

Erotic Astrology: The Sex Secrets of Your Horoscope Revealed by Phyllis Vega

Good? Bad?

I don’t know, or care, enough about astrology to tell you. But it’s really funny.

This is me (Gemini): “Once you set your sights on a prospective lover, you know all the right things to do and say to gain his attention. With the mood upon you, you’re capable of making love just about anywhere and glib enough to talk your way into virtually any bed.”

Right Brain: Wow, that is so me!

Left Brain: Nar-cis-sist…

This me and you (Gemini with Scorpio): “Gemini’s airy openness is hard for serious, secretive Scorpio to comprehend, and the scorpion’s burning intensity frightens and fascinates the twins. Nevertheless, your differences can serve as the spark that ignites your sexual passion. However, even with strong physical attraction, an ongoing relationship is difficult.”

You: Fuck that. I like a challenge.

Me: Good.

This is me and her (Gemini with Leo): “This is a lively, fun-loving combination that works great as long as you’re willing to concede center stage to the lion or lioness. Each is super sociable and enjoys a good party, but Leo demands loyalty and won’t tolerate Gemini’s flirtatious ways. Both of you are playful, passionate, amorous lovers, and in bed you set off sparks.”

She: You suck at ceding center stage.

Me: You’re jealous and possessive.

She: We’re doomed.

Me: But you’re not that sociable, actually.

She: Are you saying there’s hope?

Me: I think we owe it to the sparks to keep on giving it a try?

This is me and him (Gemini with Sagittarius): “These two zodiacal opposites attract each other like magnets. Because of your wide-ranging and varied interests, you complement each other. Each of you has a fun-and-games attitude toward love and romance. In the bedroom, anything goes with this combination, which usually translates into exhilarating sexual encounters.”

Me: Oh. Yes.

Him: Still wish I was an Aries?

Me: So. Over. That.

Oh, and baby? This is why we didn’t work out (Virgo with Gemini): Sexually you are on different wavelengths, but romantic Virgo can easily be swept away by fast-talking Gemini’s seductive manner. Gemini is more of a risk taker and will gladly do something “just for the experience” while Virgo is more cautious and careful. Communication or miscommunication is the key to this union.

If you want to make it extra complicated, you can look up your Moon, Mars, and Venus houses, and then your lovers—er, characters—respective houses, and then…

Research. The third loveliest form of procrastination.


About mjanecolette

Writer. Reader. Angster. Reformed Bohemian (not). Author of the erotic romance TELL ME, the erotic tragedy (with a happy ending) CONSEQUENCES (of defensive adultery), the award-winning rom-com (she's versatile) CHERRY PIE CURE, and TEXT ME, CUPID--a (slightly dirty) love story for 21st century adults who don't believe in love... but want it anyway. A sought-after speaker and presenter, Colette is also the author of the Dirty Writing Secrets Series, which includes the non-fiction collection of essays ROUGH DRAFT CONFESSIONS: not a guide to writing and selling erotica and romance but full of inside inside anyway, 101 FLIRTY WRITING PROMPTS TO SEDUCE YOUR MUSE, and ORGANIZED CREATIVE. She's also the curator of the fab YYC Queer Writers anthologies Queer Christmas in Cowtown, Screw Chocolate, and A Queer Summer Night's in Cowtown. Releasing Spring 2020: CUPID IN MONTE CARLO.

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