First, there is a scene that works that I’m keeping. And then, there was this:
Her: Is there anything hotter than an alpha male on his knees?
Him: It’s only hot when he’s snaking his sneaky tongue into his favourite mystery.
Her: That does not sound like something an alpha male would say.
Him: Well, you’re not the alpha male here.
Her: If you talk like that, I’m not sure you are either.
Him: See, and this is why gags became such a popular prop in BDSM.
This is an example of characters departing from the script the author is trying to spin for them and whispering inside jokes to each other. It’s kind of fun to write… but it doesn’t at all work for the reader who’s not in on the joke.